Hidden in Plain Sight: Responding to Domestic Violence
by Jolynn Ritchie Madden
In recognition of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, ACNAtoo seeks to highlight the crucial importance of understanding domestic violence in order to better care for victims in our churches and the broader community. The support survivors receive from their community is a vital determinant in the success of their escape and the trajectory of their healing. It is never too late to learn how to be a better advocate.
Content warning: this article contains references to physical, emotional, and/or sexual violence.
Domestic violence impacts every community regardless of race, culture, or socioeconomic status. On average, twenty-four people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States alone. One in four women and one in nine men experience some form of severe intimate partner violence at some point in their life. Abuse often goes unreported, so these numbers are likely even higher than statistics show. In our society, domestic violence is both endemic and hidden in plain sight.
Defining Domestic Violence
Domestic violence is a pattern of assaultive and coercive behaviors that abusive individuals use to control their current or former intimate partners. Domestic violence (DV), also called intimate partner violence, is an umbrella term that covers any combination of physical, sexual, psychological, and economic abuse with the intent of controlling the victim. In religious settings, it can also include spiritual abuse: coercion using religious practices and beliefs.
Statistically, men are most often the abusive and controlling partner, but this is not always the case. Abuse can and does exist in any type of relationship. For this discussion, I’m going to refer to abusive men in a heterosexual spouse/partner relationship. I will also refer to the victim as the abusive person’s “partner,” as abuse occurs in both married and unmarried relationships.
How the Church Gets It Wrong
When I began working in domestic violence advocacy twelve years ago, I wondered how I could advise a woman to get a divorce. The Church had taught me that God hates divorce and that marriage is hard. Surely problems could be resolved through self-improvement or couples therapy. What resources could I offer partners to help them stick it out?
But here is the question we should be asking: how can anyone, for any reason, tell a woman she needs to stay in a relationship with a man who is violent or abusive? The pressing matter at hand is the need to educate women on what abuse is, how to understand it isn’t their fault, and that they are not responsible for fixing their abusive partner. That need for education extends to churches and church leaders as well. The Church has historically done an abysmal job of supporting women trapped in—or leaving—abusive relationships. This needs to change.
Too often, when women disclose domestic violence and seek support from pastoral leaders, they are encouraged to begin couples therapy or get anger management counseling for their partner. The problem with couples therapy is that it is intended to help couples communicate in their relationship. Communication is not the problem in domestic violence. The problem is an abusive, manipulating, and controlling person who wants to maintain power and who refuses to take responsibility for or change their own behavior. Couples therapy is dangerous for the victim of a violent relationship because the abuser will use the vulnerability of the therapeutic setting against their partner. They will punish their partner for daring to talk about the abuse, and their violence will often increase.
Anger management counseling is similarly irrelevant and dangerous. Domestic violence is not an anger problem. It is a power and control problem, and anger is simply one of the abuser’s tools of control. When pastors do not recognize this, they only confirm and perpetuate the woman’s belief that her partner’s “problem” can be solved if she can learn to prevent the anger events by adjusting her own behavior. This plays directly into the hands of the abuser, who will ensure by their erratic, violent outbursts and sullen moodiness that the victim will spend all of her energy being ever vigilant to—and always second-guessing—her actions, decisions, words, opinions, and even personal desires.
Why You Don’t See It
Domestic violence is often hidden in plain sight. It’s likely that someone you know is being abused by a person you would least expect. Abusers who abuse or mistreat their intimate partners are often charming, charismatic, and well-liked. This is an intentional façade. If an abuser is well-liked in a social sphere, it means their victim will likely not be believed when she comes forward to disclose abuse. The abuser wants to keep everyone on his side. People in the surrounding community may fall for this and say things like, “Oh he would never do that,” or, “I have never seen that side of him!” This ensures that his victim won’t come forward, or, if she tries to sound an alarm, it will be extremely difficult for her to tell her story and be believed.
It can be scary to realize that abusive people are hiding in plain sight. But we have to be honest that we can’t ever know what goes on behind closed doors within relationships and families. For this reason, when abuse is reported, it is crucial that we listen without judgment and that we know where resources are and how to help someone who is being abused.
It is also important to remember that physical violence is not required and does not have to be present for us to recognize that a relationship is abusive. Domestic violence is foremost about power and control.
Readers might ask: do you mean to say that domestic violence can describe relationships where no physical violence has ever taken place?
Yes. Absolutely.
Domestic abuse is as much about controlling someone’s mind and emotions as it is about hurting their body. A man may control his spouse/partner in many ways without resorting to physical violence. Verbal abuse is often present for years before he chooses to strike her or physically injure her in some way. The goal is to maintain power over her and keep her in a state of compliance. He may never need to hit her to do this. The threat of violence alone—punching walls, breaking things, or screaming at her—is often enough to keep her under his control.
Types of Abuse
Too often, survivors of abuse don’t know they are being abused because they have not learned that abuse is not simply physical violence. Abuse can also be sexual, psychological, or economic control over a spouse or partner.
Examples of abuse include: punching, shoving, hitting, threatening with weapons, denying medical treatment, pressure to have sex, forcing/manipulating sex or pressure to engage in degrading sexual acts, severe jealousy, frequent accusations of cheating, name-calling, constant criticism, public humiliation, controlling all the money, severely restricting financial choice, meting out a constrained financial allowance, or refusing access to finances at all. If confronted, abusers justify or outrightly deny these behaviors.
See the resource list at the end of this article for a more complete list of abusive behaviors.
Identifying Abuse
How do you know if your friend or loved one is being abused? Abuse usually occurs behind closed doors, but there are often warning signs. Bruising and other injuries are the most obvious indicators of physical violence. Does your friend make excuses or refuse to talk about how she sustained an injury? Is she wearing long sleeves in the summer to conceal bruising? Does she seem fearful of her husband or anxious to please him and do everything his way? Are there clues that he dictates what she can wear or eat, where she can go, or whom she can spend time with? Is he controlling or extremely jealous? Has her personality changed? Is she suddenly depressed or exhibiting low self-esteem out of nowhere? Does she frequently cancel plans for no reason? Does she seem isolated? Has she stopped texting/calling for no reason? Is she hesitant to talk about her relationship?
Abusive and controlling men often isolate their partners from friends and family. If your loved one begins spending less and less time with others, is hard to reach, or rarely leaves the home without her husband's permission, these are red flags. If he talks down to or degrades her, or demands her obedience, those are also red flags.
While there are often warning signs, you might not observe any concerning behaviors firsthand. Many abusers are experts at appearing calm, kind, and even loving when they know they’re being observed by outsiders. In some cases, the abused partner may even appear to be reactive, irritable, or unfair to the abuser. Keep in mind that the woman you see snapping at her partner may be reacting to someone who was berating or threatening her moments before, just out of sight of any witnesses. Years of well-concealed abuse can turn the victim into someone who appears to be uncharitable, because her abuser goes out of his way to act gracious when other people are around. This is why it’s crucial to listen and lead with belief when she tells you anything about what is happening out of your line of sight.
Why Doesn’t She Leave?
Domestic violence occurs in a cycle. A violent relationship rarely starts out that way. The abuser will generally “love bomb” or be extremely romantic, charming, and adoring at the beginning of a relationship, then slowly move into behaviors that are abusive and controlling. Following an episode of violent abuse, he will often turn on his charming side again, in what is termed the “honeymoon phase.” This is incredibly confusing for the victim, who is deeply relieved to be away from the abuse episode but left wondering what happened to cause her partner’s anger. Then, often without warning, the abuse returns and the cycle repeats.
During this explosive phase, the abuser makes the victim believe the abuse is her fault. Through repetition of manipulative statements and behaviors—“It only happens when I drink!” or “If you didn’t make me so angry all the time I wouldn’t act this way!”—he coerces her into believing that if she can just do everything right, or stop doing the things he deems unacceptable, he will return to and remain the extremely charming man with whom she fell in love. He wants to keep her in this mindset, believing the abuse was “just this once,” or that she caused it. His actions and words are intentional and achieve the desired goal for him: power and control over her. This cycle is very hard to break.
Responding to an Abuse Disclosure
Abuse is never okay. It’s important to remember that if your loved one is being abused, she is likely isolated and may not fully understand what is happening in her relationship. If she discloses abusive behavior to you, it is also likely the abuse was going on for a long time before she was able to identify it, let alone risk speaking to you about it.
Listen to her. Validate her. Don’t judge her.
She is taking a big risk. She may start by revealing just a little of her experience and checking for signs that you are a safe person to continue talking to about her concerns. This may be the first time she has ever talked about the abuse. It may be worse than she realizes, and she may be in ongoing physical danger.
It is often a lengthy process for a victim to even be able to identify and name what she experiences as abuse. Remember, the abuser has led her to believe all abuse—even physical abuse—is her fault, that she is somehow to blame, and that she will be able to fix it. She may consider what is happening to be yet another “rough patch” in her relationship, not realizing she is being controlled and mistreated. A helpful clarifying question to her can be “What happens when ______? What happens when you are late getting home or the house is messy? What happens when he is stressed from work? What happens when you voice an opinion contrary to his?”
Her descriptions of her partner’s responses to normal life circumstances will often reveal unhealthy and alarming behavioral and relational patterns. We may find an opportunity to communicate that she is not responsible for the abuse and that it is not going to stop without intervention. However, we must not pressure her to escape or to make a police report. Not only does this remove her autonomy (an abuse she is already experiencing), it could cause her to panic, retract her disclosure, and resolve never to tell anyone again. It could also push her to attempt to leave before she is fully cognizant of the danger she is in, and a premature escape will likely result in her return to even greater abuse and control. Our task is to receive her, to listen, and to affirm that her well-being is important. When she is ready to make a safety plan, help guide her to experts and resources who are trained to assist victims of domestic violence. Then stay near. She will likely need and want your support.
See the list at the end of this article for more resources.
We must also resist our tendency to disbelieve her. We know there is more than one side to every story, and we tend to discount hers until we hear his. It is critical that we admit to ourselves that we’d rather believe abuse is not happening. We want to believe that our friends are safe and their partners are trustworthy. We are often tempted to think a report of abuse is some big misunderstanding or even that she is somehow at fault.
Maybe we’ve seen her argue with her spouse or speak badly of him, but the saying “it takes two to tango” does not apply in an abusive relationship. We must consider who has the power in the relationship. The husband may be the breadwinner, but does that give him the right to refuse finances to his wife? Treat her like a child? Micromanage her daily activities? Talk down to her or call her hateful names? Blame her for his behavioral failures?
Whatever hesitations we may have, we know that violence is never okay. Abusing, mistreating, or terrorizing another person is never justified, nor is it an appropriate means of resolving conflict in any relationship, especially in a marriage or intimate partnership.
The abuser will have a thousand justifications for his abuse, or he may deny it entirely. The victim will have a thousand reasons to stay with him even if the abuse is severe. How will she support herself when he makes all the money? What about the kids? If the children are minors, the abusive partner will almost certainly fight hard for custody in an attempt to continue his control and power over her. If older, her children will likely have long observed her making excuses for his behavior or “doing the dance” around his moods, in effect, holding the marriage and family together. Will they support her move to break free? How will this affect other family relationships? How will she be able to face him in court? Will anyone in the community stand with her? She is often just as invested in making the relationship work as he is in maintaining abusive control over her.
Staying the Course
Because of the complications of the abuse dynamic, supporting a domestic violence victim requires patience and flexible, responsive accompaniment on a non-linear journey. It takes an average of 7 attempts for a woman to leave an abusive man before she manages to leave permanently. In the meantime, she will experience the cycle of abuse over and over again until she can find the means and support to make the brave and difficult choice to remove herself and seek safety and healing. Throughout this cycle, we need to lead with consistent belief, help her access additional resources and confidential support, and not pressure her to make a decision before she is ready and able to do so. Her communication may be erratic, and she may even push us away during certain stages of the abuse cycle. Expect this, and remain available as a loving and nonjudgmental person as the cycle runs its course.
Leaving an abusive relationship is never an “easy way out,” as the risks and consequences are high. Women and their children can be murdered if they’re caught trying to leave, and they continue to be in danger even after separation. Domestic violence results in nearly 1,300 deaths each year in the United States alone; more than 3 women are killed by their husbands or partners every day.
The woman’s claims are frequently not believed. Her community often chooses to side with her abuser, and she is humiliated and shunned at a time when she most needs safety and support. “When I reported the abuse within our home,” wrote one ACNA abuse survivor, “my church leaders talked with and supported my abuser; I was told to worship somewhere else. They supported and encouraged his continued abuse, including withholding financial resources.”
The man will often “turn on the charm” and make his partner feel guilty for “breaking up the family” and “taking the children” from their father. He may employ parental alienation, speaking negatively of her to their children, resulting in the children rejecting her due to his manipulation. He might threaten violence or seek to cut off her access to finances, demanding that she return.
She may have been taught that divorce is a sin and that she needs to be more submissive. She will question whether she is to blame for the end of the marriage. What she desperately needs, in addition to safety and autonomy, is the loving support of friends and family who believe her. Even when the cycle of abuse is broken and she leaves for good, she has a long road of healing ahead of her.
Complementarian theology and Bible verses regarding divorce often contribute to a victim staying in a relationship even though it is violent and unsafe. It is imperative that we recognize when a man is using the idea of wifely submission to abuse his partner. It is equally important that we stand up against this abusive behavior. Does she feel safe in her own home? Is she allowed to make her own decisions? Does he respect her as an adult? Does he respect her parenting decisions? Or does he rule with an iron fist, preferring his wife and children to live in fear of him? Does he punish his wife as he would a child, beating her, citing this as his duty as a godly husband? Does he use the Bible to justify abuse? If so, to whom can she turn? No amount of perfect obedience or perfect behavior can truly stop the abuse. The cycle will continue.
In Conclusion
How can we help to break the cycle? We start by making sure we listen to the victim, believe her, and make her feel safe and supported when she does choose to come forward and ask for help. To be better prepared to do this, familiarize yourself with domestic violence resources in your area. Use the list of resources at the end of this article to get your bearings. Abuse can be extremely hard to spot, but each of us can learn how to be a safe and trustworthy person a victim can go to when seeking help. Remember: where there is verbal and mental abuse, physical abuse will often follow, and it will only escalate from there.
Again, it can be tempting to remain “neutral” or even try to adjudicate the victim’s claims ourselves, worried that we might support a false accusation. Resist this urge and leave adjudication to the court system. The likelihood and cost of a false accusation are extremely low compared to the cost of failing to support a victim, which enables ongoing intimate violation that can include irreparable harm and death.
By carefully studying abuse dynamics and offering unconditional support to those reporting or showing signs of abuse, we can begin to build safe environments in our churches and communities so that when victims do come forward, we care for them and give them the help they need to break the cycle of abuse and find healing.
It is a difficult cycle to break, but it is always worth it.
Abusive Behaviors
Content warning: detailed descriptions of physical, emotional, and/or sexual violence.
Physical:
Scratches, bites, grabs or spits at a current or former intimate partner
Shakes, shoves, pushes, restrains or throws her
Twists, slaps, punches, strangles or burns the victim
Throws objects at her
Subjects her to reckless driving
Locks her in or out of the house or in a room
Refuses to help when she’s sick, injured, or pregnant; withholds medication or medical treatment
Withholds food as punishment
Abuses her at mealtime, which disrupts eating patterns and can result in malnutrition
Abuses her at night, which disrupts sleeping patterns and can result in sleep deprivation
Attacks her with weapons or kills her
Sexual:
Is jealously angry and assumes she will have sex with anyone
Withholds sex and affection as punishment
Calls her sexual names
Pressures her to have sex when she doesn’t want to
Insists that she dress in a more sexual way than she is comfortable with
Coerces sex by manipulation or threats
Physically forces sex or is sexually violent
Coerces her into sexual acts that she is uncomfortable with, such as sex with a third party, physically painful sex, sexual activity she finds offensive, or verbal degradation during sex
Inflicts injuries that are sex-specific
Denies the victim contraception or protection against sexually transmitted diseases
Psychological:
Breaks promises, doesn’t follow through on agreements, or doesn’t take a fair share of responsibility
Verbally attacks and humiliates his partner in private or public
Attacks her vulnerabilities, such as her language abilities, educational level, skills as a parent, religious and cultural beliefs or physical appearance
Plays mind games, such as when he denies requests he has granted previously or when he undercuts her sense of reality
Forces her to do degrading things
Ignores her feelings
Withholds approval or affection as punishment
Regularly threatens to leave or tells her to leave
Harasses her about affairs he imagines her to be having
Stalks her
Always claims to be right
Is unfaithful after committing to monogamy
Economic Abuse:
Controls all the money
Doesn’t let her work outside the home or sabotages her attempts to work or go to school
Refuses to work and makes her support the family
Ruins her credit rating
Resources & Further Reading
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233; Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish and 200+ through interpretation service
Don Hennessy How He Gets into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser
Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Leslie Vernick, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope
Healthline, “Understanding the Cycle of Abuse”
The Missouri Coalition Against Domestic & Sexual Violence, “The Nature and Dynamics of DV”
National Domestic Violence Hotline, “Why Do People Abuse?”
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, “Understanding DV/Sexual Assault and Marital Rape”
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, “Understanding DV & Economic Abuse”
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, “Understanding DV & Physical Abuse”
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, “Understanding DV & Psychological Abuse”
Shivani Patel, “Understanding Reproductive Coercion”
Zlatka Rakovec-Felser, “Domestic Violence and Abuse in Intimate Relationships from a Public Health Perspective”
The Called to Peace website explains further how you can assist someone in an abusive relationship.
Jolynn Ritchie Madden is a former DV Advocate with Rosebrooks Center, the largest Domestic Violence agency in Kansas City, Missouri. She worked with survivors breaking the cycle of abuse for ten years in Rosebrooks’ 100-bed emergency shelter as both a Shelter Advocate and a Case Manager. ACNAtoo’s editorial team would also like to recognize and thank the domestic violence survivors in our network who contributed their experience and wisdom to this article.